Democratic Conversation

My insomnia is fickle.

Usually, then, my nighttime perambulations are of the mental variety. So, I am awake much longer than if I had just turned on a bedside light and picked up Roland Barthes’ “Elements of Semiology.”

Yeah, I almost fell asleep typing the title.

Nevertheless, at 1:45 a.m. this past Saturday morning, bored, I turned on the TV. I found myself captivated by Game Show Network’s “Extreme Dodge Ball.” Here, in stylized form, was the classic gym-class game of firing big robber balls at the opposing team. You hoped to hear a loud “pop” when the ball found skin against the middle of some kid’s back (we used to go shirtless just for that reason!).

While I watched, I wondered what had happened to dodge ball in schools. I don’t remember my nieces and nephews, who live in Georgia and California, ever having talked about playing this subtle game of conquest.

So with a quick Internet search, I learned that doge ball had been eliminated from nearly all school and community center activities. Apparently, America’s school boards have deemed dodge ball violent and, worse, bad for children’s self-esteem.

I beg to differ.

When I was a kid in the midst of dodge ball’s golden years, my physique resembled Gumby’s, even while lots of classmates had the G.I. Joe or Wonder Woman thing going. You might imagine the outcome at dodge ball, then, for little me. Ah ha, you would be wrong! I could in fact move quickly, and throw hard. I was, then, sneakily, a worthy opponent, and teammate.

Better than that, I had a vengeful mind. Hey, I was a kid! Chizmo the insult king? A hard one in the face. Kurt the Jock? Jump, sport-o. Natalie, the ice queen? Two words for you: duck, Princess.

Yes, revenge was the key to dodge ball. And playing it my way was better than any bodyguard or shrink could have accomplished during those awkward, formative years. My advice for all these soft, namby-pamby kids today who have not benefitted from dodge ball psychotherapy is this. With just a few minutes of healthful anger release, just imagine the plummeting numbers of teen suicide attempts we would find from sea to shining sea.